Yes I'm Still Here and Now I'm Moving

Not that I have any readers here, but just in case someone actually finds themselves wondering what happened to the Frump- let me direct you to my new blog:

www.longingforlillie.blogspot.com


We have finally seen movement in our adoption journey and it seems awfully silly to pick up here and start posting again after all this time. Oh, and FYI, the infected kidney stone that could have killed me dead DID serve a purpose after all. (Did you have any question that it would?) It caused us to start thinking about older child adoption. Which led us to our beautiful daughter Lillie. We will document our journey to meet her in the weeks & months ahead. If I promise to be more faithful in posting, will you join us? And pray for us? And comment once in a while so I don't feel so lonely here in blogworld?

Thank you!

Jennifer

Kidney Infections Suck

Still sick. Still trusting. Kidney stones suck. Kidney infections suck even more. Sick since mid August. Even hospital stay didn't cure. Husband in India til Saturday. Kids helping some- fighting some. Everyone missing Daddy. Waiting for lab results. In-laws coming Friday. Sweet friends ready to help. There is peace. God is good.

I Needed that Peace After All

Ok, pride could keep me from admitting this but it won't. I'm sick. Kidney infection and 8mm kidney stone sick. Intestinal infection sick. Seven types of medication sick. Sooo, it's become obvious that I needed that extra measure of peace, no? It's also completely clear that my idiotic refusal to go to a doctor until the pain was unbearable made this situation worse. I KNOW what kidney stones feel like since I had one before. In all honesty, I always wait too long to see a doc. so hopefully this is the wake up call needed to break my stubborn streak in this area. I crafted my last blog entry while enduring this misery for heaven's sake! So while I've got this great unfathomable Peace, I'm also acutely aware that I'm as hard-headed as a mule. Is there a lesson? Yep. Listen more than you speak in conversation with God. The Holy Spirit should not be ignored, nor should you ignore your own body telling you that something's wrong! Still learning, still growing, still thankful that He's not finished with me yet.

Our family is also under some heavy-duty pressure because of the financial market crisis. My husband works for one of those huge, international investment firms that's caught up in the bad-mortgage mess. He's pleased daily just to not get sent home for good with a box of personal effects from his desk. To be clear, he has no designated parking space, not company car, no expense account, and no high- falutin' salary...he just one of the faceless rabble who does the daily grind to make those guys look good. Not only would it be a horrible time for look for a new job, but our adoption dreams may come to an end after an almost 3 year wait. The Peace I've described is a comforting balm in this area as well. Lesson here? Just trust. Even when life hurts or doesn't make sense, He's sovereign. All His thoughts toward me are holy even when there's pain.

Now after these pitiful admissions, it's so imperative that I point out that since my diagnosis, precious friends have stepped up to cover us with prayer and bring in dinners for my family! Living so far from our families has made us pretty self-sufficient so at this point we're still learning to accept help from church and friends. The awesome Worship Team at Chet's Creek Church has been bringing in food for weeks now and to be honest my heart is so full it's hard to describe our thankfulness for their faithful hearts and willing hands. God is just so good to provide for us during this trying time. The lesson here, is that my tendency to refuse help from people in my life is nothing but pure pride and God is pruning that part of me through this experience.

So yes, there was Peace Like a River. And it was necessary. And it was on time. And my "God Who Sees Me" provided it even though I was unwilling to admit that I needed it. Amazing. It's part of the Fruit of the Spirit which is mine through salvation in Christ! So that Peace that washed over me in my denial is still washing over me as I heal and grow and watch God move in my life.

Peace Like a River

Do you ever have peace flood over you for seemingly no reason whatsoever? The last few days I've experienced that sensation multiple times even though there's no stress: ( none that's unusual in my typical daily grind ) there seems to be an excess of calm reassurance and a bubbling up of almost giddy joy....whassup with that? Don't get me wrong, we have a pretty laid-back household with lots of laughter and singing and general silliness- but this is different. Like I've just received long-awaited great news which brings ease and peace of mind, but no such news has come. Hmmmmmm.

Bear in mind I totally get that His peace is mine whenever I choose to access it- but this is some sort of extra measure of calm. And I'm a pretty calm girl. Like I've said before, I am in a never-ending battle to convince my children that "drama-free" living is the way to go. So far they don't seem to want to join my crusade to end all self-imposed drama, but give me time. I can be very convincing!

Sadly,in my cynical mind there's an inclination to assume that there must be something dark and painful looming in my future if there's extra quiet in my soul. Not this time brother! I'm just gonna revel in it and trust. Yes, trust.

Psalm 131:2

Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with his mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me- ceased from fretting.

Thoughts on China Adoption

One of the reasons I let this blog lie for so long is this: I haven't known how to address the adoption wait in my mind- much less in written words that make sense. I am by nature an encourager and while I do have a dark, rather cynical side- I typically keep that ugliness to myself. It seemed that the doubts plaguing me were outweighing my need to urge others forward. In other words, if I couldn't write positively then I shouldn't write at all. I haven't even journaled much on paper in the last year or so.

So it's time to go there. Yes, in fact...we are still adopting from China. How much longer you ask? Well about another year or so- the same answer I've been giving friends & family since April of 2006. ( I'm not sure it will be another year but after quoting that number for so long it's kinda hard to let it go.) And it's even harder to look the fool for being even slightly optimistic at this point. Ahem, I think I just tattled on myself- that's an awfully prideful statement,no?

What I tell people when they frown and shake their heads at the time we've spent waiting is that, "it is what it is...". Does frustration bring peace? Does angst and anger towards governments, cultural traditions & perceived abuses of power along with miles, miles, (miles I tell you!) of red tape bring action, power or an ending to the wait? NOPE. And please don't think I'm only talking the China side of it. A huge portion of baloney to muddle through in this process originates right here in this country.

In all reality I haven't felt angry yet. Sad, yes. Very sad at times at the powerlessness of it all. The orphaned children being the most powerless of all. In my ugly flesh I'd like to chuck it all at times and just admit that this obviously wasn't meant to be. Then the truth slowly washes back over me. To chuck anything that's hard or painful with the belief that God isn't in the hard stuff is pure folly. I know better. It's the pain in my life that's challenged me to grow. Not that I'm pinning the hard stuff on God. He's not orchestrating the wait any more than He's ordaining the abandonment of little children all over the world- including here in the good ol' USA. It just is what it is and all I'm responsible for is my reaction to the mess of it.

BTW, we aren't in this only to bring a 4th child into our family. If we were we would have made the choice to move to adopt from another country. Or we could have pursued a child who needs a family right here in north Florida. However, my husband was drawn specifically to China before he ever fully grabbed onto the idea of us adopting. So maybe that makes the wait less painful for our family. Or maybe it somehow makes the pain of it worthwhile. Who knows? I do know there's been grace I couldn't have come up with on my own. I have in the past had very, VERY little toleration for any nonsense. Oh, you want ME to put up with something that makes no sense? Uh, that's a great big no. Ask my kids- they'll tell you with wide-eyed grins....nope- Mom doesn't put up with any of that! This process has been full of nonsense since day one but maybe that's the whole point, huh? Not to make it about me- it's not. But I'm confident that God sees all of it. And we've taken the steps He's required of us. And if a precious child from China does come into our home as our 6th family member then good. If not- (yeah, I'm not ruling out that this could very well fall apart at any minute)- then good. He's good no matter. That I'm sure of...

So I've finally addressed it. And tattled on myself. Yes, I struggle with pride and cynicism, and doubts. And temper- yes that too. But I press on. I press in. And I keep on trying to spur others on in this graceless situation with the grace that's given. This whole deal is not about me. That's clear. But I do have something finally to say about it all. It is what it is. And He's so very, very good.

Not Sure What's Ahead....

So many things up in the air. In several areas we are on hold right now and I sometimes struggle with the not-knowing. At this point I've nailed down the ability to just look ahead with the idea that I don't have a clue what's coming but it's bound to be interesting....kind of like this picture, but without the creepiness. BTW, this is north Florida in the early early spring- well it would still be winter where we come from but here things are starting to leaf out and come to life. Pretty cool, huh? It was a little ominous to see this green water knowing there's quite possibly ALL KINDS of creepy-crawleys under that slimy coating, but also very beautiful against all the brown from the previous fall. The contrast is striking and is a good picture of what my life is like right now. I'm choosing to look at the beauty of it, not at the unknowns.

If my life were an adventure, then the Author and Finisher of my faith is leading the tour... and He's not telling us where we're going next. He's promised to always be with us but never promised to fill us in on the details of what's to come. So I'll wisely keep letting Him drive the bus, so to speak. (Is that irreverant?) And I'll look for the beauty. And be content with the joy of seeing beauty near me- in the lives of the precious people in my life and in the wonderful creation around me.

I'm Baaaaaaack!

Well, it's been over a year. I'm back with a few more gray hairs, a few less pounds and a whole lot more perspective.

Still God's child- still wife of my husband- still parent to some pretty awesome kids- still adopting a child from China- still singin' and cookin'....those points haven't changed thankfully but much has in the way I see my life. For the better, to be sure.

Psalm 131:2

Surely I have calmed & quieted my soul; like a weaned child with his mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me [ceased from fretting}.